My heart says no no.

This post is the only one I can say is definitely directed towards someone and I would really appreciate it if he stumbled upon it one day.  When he reads it, he'll know exactly who he is.

Firstly, I believe a thank you is in order. I want you to know that I appreciate you thinking about me and praying for me. I also want you to know that I do see you making noticeable changes from afar and I will continue to keep my distance because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Per our last conversation, I let you know that I wouldn't serve as an issue to your current relationship and I allowed you to make the decision on whether you thought we were done being in love in order to parade around as if we are friends. Since I haven't heard from you at all, I'm assuming no. Lol granted during the super bowl we exchanged a grand total of 6 messages, I like to think it wasn't a problem. 

As for this small Valentine's Day gesture, yes I'm grateful. Yes it brought me joy. Yes I figured it was you before a series of subtweets revealed your identity. I loved the strawberries and felt the card was friendly. The issue is, as far as I'm concerned you're still in a relationship. That makes everything inappropriate. The subtweets, the gesture, ALL OF IT. 

I've told you, you've put me on both sides of this equation now. I think you should take time to strengthen your relationship with God and leave me alone. Also, stop dragging yourself through a relationship when you're clearly in love with someone else. I'm not saying leave me alone forever, but I need you to want a relationship with God more than anything else. And I feel like you need time alone to grow and develop yourself with his help. I'm likely to love you forever, that's just something I can't help. But I will not serve as a distraction from you finding your purpose in life. I'll continue to pray for you. 

I wait for the day a sweet gentle sway rocks your love right my way :)

You guys, I'm so excited for all the things the Lord has in store for me.

1. A new job
2. Acceptance into a graduate program
3. traveling grace and mercy 

IN THAT ORDER! I feel it. It's upon me. 

And of course, a man to seek his love alongside me. I'm so patient nowadays and I'm convincing myself to not be distracted by strangers sent by the devil to keep me from my destiny. 

I believe in miracles. I believe that love's a miracle and baby you're a dream come trueeeee.

BAHHHHHH HUMBUG!

DO you guys ever just get the feeling that what you want isn't what you need? I feel that way about people. Momo brought up a very interesting point last week as I was going through my daily spiel about how I feel like Kyrie and I were destined to be together... she shook up my ENTIRE world with one simple question: "But would you believe that God could have someone who will actually be a much better match for you than Kyrie?"

I must have thrown my phone across the room. I did NOT want to hear that. My fictional relationship in my head with Kyrie sustains me. I actually believe it was intended to become my coping skill or miracle or simply my eye opening "Come to Jesus" situation/moment. Because I'm WELL aware that there is NO easily foreseen reason that Kyrie and I would ever even cross paths, much less fall so deeply in love besides a miracle from the Lord. Our fictional relationship only strengthened my relationship with God. Why? Because I knew know the Lord wouldn't allow me to fall so deeply for a complete stranger without a plan for us. (And when I say deeply, I mean crazy deep. Like, I'll defend him in casual conversation. I'll bring him up whenever someone asks me if I'm in a relationship. It's borderline delusional.)

But the THING about it is, and not to literally compare anyone, but I'm unsure of Kyrie's relationship with the Lord. Russell Wilson lets it be known at EVERY chance that he KNOWS who died for him and is the reason he is blessed the way he is. I just don't see that happening with bae (Kyrie). Now, he could be more private with his relationship and that's not a problem I don't believe, but are we equally yoked and that blows my mind. Like, am I supposed to pray for him to realize he needs a relationship with God? Does he actually have one and just isn't public about it? Let us pray: Lord, I pray that my future husband is somewhere trying to become acceptable in thy sight and praying for our relationship to pleasing to you. Lord, I also pray that Kyrie Andrew, granted I'm expecting him to be my spouse however, if that isn't your will, I pray that he has a relationship with you or finds one soon. I pray that he recognizes you as his strength and his redeemer. I pray that he seeks you in everything he does. Now Lord, back to my future husband, may you open my eyes and heal my heart to see and accept him. As it stands today, you know I don't think I'm ready for any type of relationship, but Lord, I pray that you work on me. Guide me to where you want me to be. Hold my hand and take me to a new job this season. Lord I love you and wouldn't be able to get along without you. AMEN.